deloessian

Day 1 of Counselling...

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 02:36:10 GMT

Today was the first day of my counselling. I talked about all of the issues I have been experiencing over the past 6 months. I learned the following:
1. I am a good person
2. I need to stop beating myself up over the mistakes I have made
3. I will not be self-destructive
4. God has a purpose for my life

Getting on the right track...

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 04:15:39 GMT

things I accomplished today:
1. didn't cry
2. did laundry
3. ate healthy
4. made an appointment with a psychiatrist
5. did my bible study
6. cleaned the bathroom
7. took a bath
8. took all my medications
9. didn't take any OTHER medications
10. maintained a positive outlook all day

I'm limping along...but I'm moving

My life is a Melissa Ferrick song...

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 06:34:28 GMT

oh yes and you have
hidden in your valleys
you filled them in with excuses
and you have
treated yourself badly
you got invisible bruises
so just step around and say goodbye
goodbye to all of this insanity that you have let inside
and believe that all of these obstacles are tests
believe that all of the people in your life are blessed

MADAGASCAR CRACK THE CODE NEED HELP

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 05:40:34 GMT

My 4-year-old nephew is jonesing to get to that darn penguin sequence, but he has only been able to get
#2 & #3 of the four codes he needs...HELP PLEASE!!!! Can anyone cheat & just give me the darn codes?

PRICELESS

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 05:16:56 GMT

Insurance deductable for PROZAC = $50
Insurance deductable for DEPAKOTE = $50
Insurance deductable for AMBIEN = $10

Total debited on bankcard @ CVS Pharmacy = $110

Minor chance that listed medication will actually prevent a total MANIC-DEPRESSIVE breakdown = PRICELESS

DRUG (ab)USE

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 06:23:21 GMT

Sat nite...been fighting the chest pain since earlier in the week...bad attack last night...tonight bad too...took way too much vicodin...it took that much to numb the pain...but the whole thing frightens me...the heart pain...the drugs...

but on a different note...I went to make some hot chocolate to try to help me go to sleep...I guess I'm pretty fucked up, because I put the cup of milk into the cabinet instead of the microwave...

my life is in a very sad state...and the sadder fact is that I anticipate it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better

Good deeds & wine coolers...

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 05:36:13 GMT

My sister works @ the neighborhood bar. I was in there visiting her last week & this old guy asked me if I could copy a data CD for him. So being nice like I am I said "yes". Well, he said no hurry, so I kinda forgot all about it. Then, my sister called tonight & says he needs it NOW. I was 20 minutes away from home. I had to drive home, make the copy & then drive to the bar. Once I got there, the old fart was so happy that he started buying me wine coolers. Of course, I could not be rude and refuse. So I had a few, or several, or some, or I dunno...eventually I came on home. The good news is that I was kissed twice tonight by different people. The bad news is that they were both GUYS. One of them being the old fart. Well, I guess that being a single girl in a bar can have its drawbacks.

Backsliding but still trying...

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 05:51:40 GMT

I am so so committed to trying to get my head on straight. I am concentrating on expanding my spirituality. I am trying so darn hard. I have even joined a bible study group. I need a PURPOSE right now. My head is all jumbled. I don't know left from right or up from down. I have lost my bearings. I have not sense of balance. I am trying so hard to concentrate on the positive. BUT then I get weak. Instead of reading my bible...I medicate myself. For example: on Saturday I was good all day...relaxed & hung around the house. My brother-in-law had painted my dining room & the fumes were giving me a headache. So I decided to get dressed & go out. So I got dressed. The I took 2 Soma. I drank some Captain Morgan's Spiced rum. I went to a bar. I took 2 Vicodin. I drank 2 wine coolers. I took 2 more Vicodin. I drank 3 more wine coolers. I couldn't stop drinking or popping because of the PAIN. I have a hurt on the inside of me that is almost unbearable. It takes all my efforts to bear it. Sometimes the pain overwhelms my coping skills. Then is when the liquor & pills numb the pain. I don't feel the hurt anymore. Its all gone. But I know that once the high wears off, the problem is still there. But I do it anyway...because a little relief is better than no relief at all. I imagine that I am broken on the inside. Maybe shattered beyond repair. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do. I have no answers about how to change anything. I take the "crazy" medication they give me. I did the counseling. I read the self-help books. I pray to God. I am on a one-way street, driving the wrong way & I'm blindfolded.

Now is the time to put learning in ACTION

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 04:51:26 GMT

so I left on Friday & went on a Christian retreat...it lasted until 4pm Sunday...it was a weekend jam-packed full of skill building activities...I have been so far on the "back-slide" that I knew it would be a job to get back on the right track...
but this weekend worked wonders for renewing my spirit...I have been having a lot of personal problems lately (no kidding)...I know that my coping skills for these problems have been completely overpowered...plus my bi-polar disorder makes me make some very "strange" decisions on occasion...so in order to control my life (if such a thing is possible), I knew I needed something MORE than just bi-polar medication...I've been drinking so much alcohol lately (at least every other day & sometimes every day)...and I've also been taking too much un-needed medication (I've been recreationally over-doing it on the Vicodin & Soma - I take 4 at a time mixing them up & can take up to 16 in one day)...I know that alcohol & drugs are not what I need to supplement my coping skills...so I'm delving into my spirituality in order to aid my recuperation...studying the bible & reading self-help books are taking my mind off my problems...being closer to God is making me KNOW that its not acceptable to use alcohol & drugs as a crutch...I mean, intellectually I know this, but still do it...but now I feel accountable for my actions...which isn't saying that I will live my life perfectly...or even righteously...I just need help & I know God can be my strength when I am ready to give up...

sleep eludes me...

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 09:33:53 GMT

sleep is a distant dream for me...my mind roars like a stormy surf & I cannot find peace...can't sleep now, can't sleep then...will I ever feel the comfort of sleep again? I need a remote control so that I can TURN OFF MY BRAIN. The damn organ has a mind of its own (no pun intended). There is no sleep for the weary...

ASTROS & BOURBON

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 06:03:38 GMT

So my sisters talked me into going to the neighborhood bar in order to watch the ASTROS. Well they lost. But I drank a bottle of bourbon & got hit on by a quasi-lesbian chick. So I can retain my personal integrity or I can just go for the cheap thrill...what would YOU DO?

SAT NITE INTO SUN MORN

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 07:10:21 GMT

can't sleep...took some meds...now drinking OJ & Vanilla vodka...its not a real drink recipe, but I'm desperate...I wanna be drunk...don't ya just hate it when it won't happen?