Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in deloessian's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
8:36 pm	Day 1 of Counselling... Today was the first day of my counselling. I talked about all of the issues I have been experiencing over the past 6 months. I learned the following: 1. I am a good person 2. I need to stop beating myself up over the mistakes I have made 3. I will not be self-destructive 4. God has a purpose for my life (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 21st, 2005
10:11 pm	Getting on the right track... things I accomplished today: 1. didn't cry 2. did laundry 3. ate healthy 4. made an appointment with a psychiatrist 5. did my bible study 6. cleaned the bathroom 7. took a bath 8. took all my medications 9. didn't take any OTHER medications 10. maintained a positive outlook all day I'm limping along...but I'm moving Current Mood: reflective Current Music: you already know...someone just got killed on tv (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:32 am	My life is a Melissa Ferrick song... oh yes and you have hidden in your valleys you filled them in with excuses and you have treated yourself badly you got invisible bruises so just step around and say goodbye goodbye to all of this insanity that you have let inside and believe that all of these obstacles are tests believe that all of the people in your life are blessed Current Mood: reflective Current Music: mindless dribble on the boob tube (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 17th, 2005
11:39 pm	MADAGASCAR CRACK THE CODE NEED HELP My 4-year-old nephew is jonesing to get to that darn penguin sequence, but he has only been able to get #2 & #3 of the four codes he needs...HELP PLEASE!!!! Can anyone cheat & just give me the darn codes? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 6th, 2005
11:16 pm	PRICELESS Insurance deductable for PROZAC = $50 Insurance deductable for DEPAKOTE = $50 Insurance deductable for AMBIEN = $10 Total debited on bankcard @ CVS Pharmacy = $110 Minor chance that listed medication will actually prevent a total MANIC-DEPRESSIVE breakdown = PRICELESS (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:23 am	DRUG (ab)USE Sat nite...been fighting the chest pain since earlier in the week...bad attack last night...tonight bad too...took way too much vicodin...it took that much to numb the pain...but the whole thing frightens me...the heart pain...the drugs... but on a different note...I went to make some hot chocolate to try to help me go to sleep...I guess I'm pretty fucked up, because I put the cup of milk into the cabinet instead of the microwave... my life is in a very sad state...and the sadder fact is that I anticipate it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
11:31 pm	Good deeds & wine coolers... My sister works @ the neighborhood bar. I was in there visiting her last week & this old guy asked me if I could copy a data CD for him. So being nice like I am I said "yes". Well, he said no hurry, so I kinda forgot all about it. Then, my sister called tonight & says he needs it NOW. I was 20 minutes away from home. I had to drive home, make the copy & then drive to the bar. Once I got there, the old fart was so happy that he started buying me wine coolers. Of course, I could not be rude and refuse. So I had a few, or several, or some, or I dunno...eventually I came on home. The good news is that I was kissed twice tonight by different people. The bad news is that they were both GUYS. One of them being the old fart. Well, I guess that being a single girl in a bar can have its drawbacks. Current Mood: Wiping off the boy germs Current Music: Court TV on TIVO (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
11:39 pm	Backsliding but still trying... I am so so committed to trying to get my head on straight. I am concentrating on expanding my spirituality. I am trying so darn hard. I have even joined a bible study group. I need a PURPOSE right now. My head is all jumbled. I don't know left from right or up from down. I have lost my bearings. I have not sense of balance. I am trying so hard to concentrate on the positive. BUT then I get weak. Instead of reading my bible...I medicate myself. For example: on Saturday I was good all day...relaxed & hung around the house. My brother-in-law had painted my dining room & the fumes were giving me a headache. So I decided to get dressed & go out. So I got dressed. The I took 2 Soma. I drank some Captain Morgan's Spiced rum. I went to a bar. I took 2 Vicodin. I drank 2 wine coolers. I took 2 more Vicodin. I drank 3 more wine coolers. I couldn't stop drinking or popping because of the PAIN. I have a hurt on the inside of me that is almost unbearable. It takes all my efforts to bear it. Sometimes the pain overwhelms my coping skills. Then is when the liquor & pills numb the pain. I don't feel the hurt anymore. Its all gone. But I know that once the high wears off, the problem is still there. But I do it anyway...because a little relief is better than no relief at all. I imagine that I am broken on the inside. Maybe shattered beyond repair. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do. I have no answers about how to change anything. I take the "crazy" medication they give me. I did the counseling. I read the self-help books. I pray to God. I am on a one-way street, driving the wrong way & I'm blindfolded. Current Mood: melancholy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 24th, 2005
11:35 pm	Now is the time to put learning in ACTION so I left on Friday & went on a Christian retreat...it lasted until 4pm Sunday...it was a weekend jam-packed full of skill building activities...I have been so far on the "back-slide" that I knew it would be a job to get back on the right track... but this weekend worked wonders for renewing my spirit...I have been having a lot of personal problems lately (no kidding)...I know that my coping skills for these problems have been completely overpowered...plus my bi-polar disorder makes me make some very "strange" decisions on occasion...so in order to control my life (if such a thing is possible), I knew I needed something MORE than just bi-polar medication...I've been drinking so much alcohol lately (at least every other day & sometimes every day)...and I've also been taking too much un-needed medication (I've been recreationally over-doing it on the Vicodin & Soma - I take 4 at a time mixing them up & can take up to 16 in one day)...I know that alcohol & drugs are not what I need to supplement my coping skills...so I'm delving into my spirituality in order to aid my recuperation...studying the bible & reading self-help books are taking my mind off my problems...being closer to God is making me KNOW that its not acceptable to use alcohol & drugs as a crutch...I mean, intellectually I know this, but still do it...but now I feel accountable for my actions...which isn't saying that I will live my life perfectly...or even righteously...I just need help & I know God can be my strength when I am ready to give up... Current Mood: renewed Current Music: Forensic Files on TIVO (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
4:33 am	sleep eludes me... sleep is a distant dream for me...my mind roars like a stormy surf & I cannot find peace...can't sleep now, can't sleep then...will I ever feel the comfort of sleep again? I need a remote control so that I can TURN OFF MY BRAIN. The damn organ has a mind of its own (no pun intended). There is no sleep for the weary... Current Mood: sleep deprived Current Music: fricking infomercial on late-nite tv (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
1:02 am	ASTROS & BOURBON So my sisters talked me into going to the neighborhood bar in order to watch the ASTROS. Well they lost. But I drank a bottle of bourbon & got hit on by a quasi-lesbian chick. So I can retain my personal integrity or I can just go for the cheap thrill...what would YOU DO? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
2:07 am	SAT NITE INTO SUN MORN can't sleep...took some meds...now drinking OJ & Vanilla vodka...its not a real drink recipe, but I'm desperate...I wanna be drunk...don't ya just hate it when it won't happen? (9 Comments |Comment on this)